I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He better not be in your backpack
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
