Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
