And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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