Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
