You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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