8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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