Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
