my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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