Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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