he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
