Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
