I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
