turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
