This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
