I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
