Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
