Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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