i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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