i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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