My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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