smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
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