your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
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