new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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