highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
