I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
