Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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