bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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