i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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