I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
