I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
