I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
