nutella sex= disaster
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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