we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
