I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
