My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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