You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Randomize
