i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He kissed a someone with a penis
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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