i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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