Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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