So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize