Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
