ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
