DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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