The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
