i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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