Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
