I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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