I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
