in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
