my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize