yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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