I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
