I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
