uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
