She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
