Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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