Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
