Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
