every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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