so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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