It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
