You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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